Bloom’n Idiots On Two Wheels

On multiple occasions here at RC USA I have separated myself from “bikers” in catagorizing myself as a “motorcycle enthusiast”. In February I tried to completely remove myself from this label. Now that I declare it impossible to say I am not something I can’t help but be I have to say it is partly because the community of two wheelers is chock full of bloom’n idiots! I would rather not be associated with many of my two wheel associates. Especially in the spring time! It’s like idiots on parade. I saw so many of them today that I just wanted choke them. Maybe by next month they will put the bikes back in the garage and only come out for Hooters Bike Night. One can only hope.

Top 10 list of annoyances:

1. Biker fashion over function including all biker related t-shirts. Is it really necessary to wear a motorcycle related t-shirt whenever you ride to prove to people you really are a biker? Ooohhh a big skull and cross bones on your back must mean you a real rider. Why not wear a Dodge Ram, Duck Commander or NASCAR t-shirt? Will people all of sudden think that rider doesn’t know what he is doing wearing a non two wheel themed shirt! My gosh what was he thinking?! No advertisement? Doesn’t he realize you need to pay the MoCo $40 for the right to advertise their dealerships on the back of a bar and shield decorated t-shirt in order to be road worthy? Does anyone care that you went to Sturgis, Daytona or The Dragon? Does advertising where you went on vacation make you more bikery then someone who keeps it a secret?

2. Smoking a cigarette, riding no hands, one hand cooly resting on the tank. Saw this one today on a populated street. Really? Must I go any further? Save these tricks for the backroads buddy. Good skills but no one is impressed. Maybe just a little bit… but still stupid.

3. No hands, bike in neutral at a red light. Might as well have both thumbs stuck up your ass, remove your mirrors and wear a target on your back that says “run me over because I don’t have a brain anyway”. What happened to “watch your ass, the cagers are trying to kill us”?

4. Beachwear! Maybe I am over cautious by always dressing for the crash but shorts, bathing suits, no socks, flip flops or sandals really hits a nerve with me. It’s one thing to not wear a helmet, it’s another to ride practically naked. Road rash waiting. Flaunt your stupidity. Snub your nose at the thought of respect to the road and the machine. Your bike should be taken away.

5. No helmet, no gloves, no boots, no eye protection or any combination of these. OK maybe this is extreme but this is pretty basic riding wear. Lets say you have the freedom to choose, doesn’t it make sense to choose the logical protective wear. Especially with all those idiots in cars out there trying to kill us or just not paying attention to us? They would rather text each other than pay attention to your loud pipes. Get real. Wear a pair of boots and gloves for crying out loud!

6. Big and or tall guys on Sportsters. Fat guys on sport bikes with plumbers crack exposed. Chicks with 9 inch spike heels not riding passenger. No further explanation needed right? I probably owe an apology to plumbers for this one. They should not suffer the humiliation of being lumped in with fat guys on crotch rockets.

7. Parked on sidewalk. We all pay the same taxes. There is no special parking permit to pull up to the front door of Planet Fitness and park on the sidewalk. Saw this one today. Do these riders think they are the only ones who have a bike? What if four other riders come to the gym? Are they all supposed to park on the sidewalk too? That will do a great amount of good for our image. Maybe he thought he would be too tired after his workout to make it across the parking lot like the poor fools in their cars and trucks. I think I’ll go somewhere tomorrow and say “good bye honey, I’m taking the bike so I can park on the sidewalk next to the front door of wherever my lazy dumbass is going.”

8. Those jerks who ride by my place of employment during the work week mid day with their loud pipes knowing I am stuck inside watching them go by from my window office on a nice sunny day. Complete assholes. They do it to torture me! I curse the bastards with drool running down the corner of my mouth and fist in the air.  I mumble “I hate you”. I would flip them the bird but I have to maintain a minimal amount of professionalsim.

9. People obsessed with pins, patches, t-shirts and hot dogs that were supposed to be free with registration. “Sorry we ran out.” Is a damn $2.00 hot dog really this important to be giving a volunteer holy hell over? You haven’t seen an angrier person than a HOG member who rode all day to a state rally and didn’t get the pin he paid for. The world is going to come to an end over this! Don’t believe me? Work the registration booth as a volunteer at the next rally.

10. Motorcycles parked outside a bar mid day while the sun is shining and the riding is awesome. Can you see your buddy saying: “Hey lets stop. This riding is a real drag. Lets go inside a dark dingy fly infested hole in the wall and get a Budweiser. It will be just like we never left home. I’m glad I got this motorcycle to experience the wind in my hair and bugs in my teeth but I really want to pay $5.00 and tip the bar maid another $1.00 for a long neck instead of paying that same amount for a six pack on the way home. Then after we get a good buzz we can ride in the cold after the sun sets and maybe hit a deer in the dark. Sound like a plan?”

Sorry to offend any of my target cruiser riding audiance but being offensive is probably better than not writing at all which I did for several months. Probably because I was sick of being associated with bloom’n idiots. Are you glad Road Captain is back? Maybe I should go back into hibernation and leave my keyboard back to collecting dust.

6 Responses to “Bloom’n Idiots On Two Wheels”

  1. Welcome back, Mr. Green! I figured it wouldn’t be too long when the weather changed. going to PD13 in Ontario. interested? I can agree with your assessment. I did the ride to the tide. never again. guess I got too used to people with common sense and biking skills. I can only say that I will NEVER ride in a group with unknown clowns again. gotta run and listen to welcome back, Kotter on the youtube. :-))))))) k.

  2. Yes, I learned to avoid open events like the plague. I heard some of the stories from your ride by a mutual aquaintance. I’m sure your still steam’n.
    Thanks for the invite. I’m going to stick to backroads for the time being. I doubt you will take backroads all the way to The Great White North. It would be winter by time you got there. Have a good ride!

  3. Hello Jay and Di,

    Hope all is well. I was wondering when you would realize there are other things in life besides biking!! 8>)

    Perhaps not in the category of an annoyance, but one of the things I find funny is that the biking scene is supposed to be about individuality, being your own person, no rules, etc. etc. Pull into a parking lot at a dealer, or elsewhere, and what do you find? Everyone parking the same freaking direction. Sure, sometimes on an incline one has to. I always park in the opposite direction. Being an asshole? Perhaps…. but I certainly am no following the rules. Speaking of rules… biker clubs are supposed to be individualist also, outside the realm of civilized society. And what is the first thing they do? Write up a rulebook. Go figure. Me? I just enjoy the fresh air and having what I hope is a relaxing ride. Out here.

  4. Steve you may send me on a rant. Individuality? Ya right. What a joke. Your average bikers are the biggest conformists I have ever seen. They all look the same. Buy the most expensive useless shit to put on their bikes or wear. Vests? Doo rags?
    However I do have a different oppinion than you about clubs. To me clubs are an extension of military philosophy. The perfect home for returning soldiers. I understand that their world would be a world of rules, regulations and structure as well as excitement and adrenaline and being an authority above or outside the fringe of domestic law enforcement. I can see it being a violent and confrontational world. The evolution of what started out as WWII returning soldiers and pilots. This is an American institution as American as apple pie, Chevrolet and Betsy Ross.

  5. I, too, am not a biker (although i own two motorcycles and average over 10000 miles a year for the past 8 years).

    We (motorcyclists) are conformist within or own group of like-minded individuals, but outside of the larger society.

    Having said that, it’s clear that we are not all the same. That’s why you are annoyed at what other “bikers’ are doing. People that ride like idiots or dress like clowns make the rest of us look foolish by association.

    Allow me to respond to some of the annoyances you detailed above:

    1) Wear whatever you want, I’ll do the same. We don’t all agree on what’s cool or stylish.

    3-5) I agree with you on principle, but we all have to determine for ourselves what level of risk we are willing to accept. Being a motorcyclist, one has already demonstrated a tolerance for risk-taking.

    7) One guy’s “that as___le is parking on the sidewalk!” is another guys’s “that considerate motorcyclist is freeing up parking spaces for car drivers”.

    10) I don’t get that either. I don’t find it annoying though. I try not to be concerned about what other people are doing when it has no affect on me.

    Happy trails, and vaya con Dios….

    Les

  6. Thank you for the insightful comment Les.

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